A love story..!

O mighty pen!
Bless me with some peace
Bestow on me some solace

Shower me with some fluidity
That your ink prides itself on,
That keeps you going over, above and through

Sharpen me at least some,
I won’t compete with your nib, my word,
It is the point where old lovers meet

Grant my backbone some
Strength and audacity you abound with
To stand up for something worthwhile

O graceful paper!
Lend me some patience
Your listening, receptiveness

Let me borrow some
Sweet encouragement of yours
In the face of staring, blank eyes

O faithful words!
Don’t fail me so
Stand by me some more

Give me some meaning
That I might attach to you
And make it reach out to the reader
Don’t you know, still
There are things unsaid, undone
And you could play a part good enough?

I struggle every moment
To pinpoint the nature of the world and of time
Yet dealing with static moments and hours

Is it not enough of a task?
Already, without your moody eccentricity?
And deceitful treacherous maneuvers?

I guess I must try otherwise
I cannot fight you even with everything I have
But I can still love you with everything I have..!

Will you be kind enough?
Will you let me take your hand?
Will you let me hold you close?

You might, I think, and
I promise I won’t ever leave you alone
Even if I am the last person sane and alive

Would you take my hand then?
Would you be mine, as much as I can take you?
Would you love me, as much as I love you?

Take my word, you will be proud
To have been mine as long as I live,
And when am dead, you’ll adorn my tombstone
You will remain forever, and a part of you
Will forever remain, touched by me,
On paper, on the internet, in the minds, on the lips
Of people who would love you
As much as I do, or even more..!
But only if you accept me today
And let me have this dance with you…!!
Makarand 12.7.18 17.52

Questions

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What if the world is going the wrong way?

Is it mandatory for me to do anything?

Wouldn’t I be dead before the world dies?

Do I owe something to my next generation?

 

 

Will anything I do really make any difference?

Will the difference be sufficient enough?

Do I have what it takes? What else do I need?

Am I studying, exercising, practicing enough?

 

 

Why do I have so many doubts and questions?

Is it because I never questioned when I was a child?

Are these questions worth anything?

Will they take me anywhere worthy of going?

 

 

Why am I afraid to take a leap?

When I know from within that I should now?

Am I worried because of not knowing where and how long and how?

Or am I worried that I might fall flat on face?

 

 

Would I really fall? What if I don’t leap at all?

Isn’t not leaping more dreadful than falling?

Haven’t I known this before? Is it new for me?

Why is knowing and realizing so different, and sometimes so far?

  • Makarand 6.6.18

 

Anniversary of togetherness

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I knew I was going to write

A book on love, a book of love

Almost a hundred years ago

 

Its unwritten draft has been

Luring and tempting me often

In small scattered moments

 

Moments that have been

Difficult to capture and frame

Fleeting and flying fast

 

Moments weaving their way

Through your smile, your frown

Your dagger, your crown

 

Moments splashing & oozing

Flowing through our brook

Of fragrant togetherness

 

Had it not been for you being

So complexly engrossing

I could have finished my book now

 

Why do you have to be so

Pure and so giving in love

While I still wonder if I can measure it?

 

While I pretend to be a thinker lost

In definitions and theories, Your

Love is light-years ahead of mine

 

While we explore decades and centuries

Unfolding life, and each other more, I might

Truly learn to love in another millennium

 

I guess I will write that book then…!

© Makarand

26.4.18

 

What is it?

Write
Erase
Write
Tear it up
Write
Burn it down
Write
Shatter the pen
Write
Sever the finger
Write
Soak up the blood
Write
Cut the arm
Write
Crack the limbs
Write
Mince the body
Write
Smash the skull
Write
Fry the brain
Write
Set it ablaze
It?
What is it?
Nothing remains.
Still..
Write…
What is it that writes? still…??

Makarand

Words, ghosts, fire

As the day ends
I will rise and throw all these
rubbish scraps of paper
into the small fire still ablaze

and they’ll burn
won’t they?
along with the words
scribbled onto them
like oppressive scars
on the flawless skin

sweet revenge will that be
on words
who malign the smooth
blank faces of paper
with their scary shapes
and uncanny habits

words that run and hide
and kill and wound
and destroy and construct
everything and nothing
and we are left to but
interpret and wonder

and still, post all the
worship they receive
words leave gaps
chasms and valleys
in meanings and minds
utterly hopeless to bridge

the breakers of meanings
storm up the shore
and core alike
while words laugh
wicked laughters
atop the peaks

though i fear if
burning will eliminate
them or let their
ghostly souls drift
in the air to haunt
the canvas again

the paper of life is burning
I should hurry up and decide
before the fire runs out
before the paper runs out

or before I find myself in
flames, with words warming up by the fire…!

Makarand

Quest

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This is such a strange sensation. It is like running continuously without even stopping to breathe. Or like swimming underwater without an oxygen cylinder and mask and without surfacing for a long time. Or like going through the hordes of tasks without sleeping or eating or shitting or drinking or even listening to a piece of heavenly music. Or like…hell…let me at once make clear what I am talking about.

No, this is not a rat race; for there isn’t much competition here and you are not forced to run either. This is no race for money, name or fame or power. No. This is a quest for understanding. Understanding self. Understanding the world. Trying to make out (this so sounds like an intercourse!) an order amongst the chaos of this so-called world. This unending quest is tiring, maddening and frightening at times.

The so-called world is full of myths and millions and billions lives end without even realizing this. Yes, there are myths everywhere. The mankind, for example is no ‘kind’ kind as a whole. The world we call our world is never ours. The beasts are seldom cruel. The white is no white, it needs seven damned wavelengths of seven colors to make it white. Some call this science, some paradoxes, I prefer myths; because you need to break every wrong belief to reach and uncover the right one. One of the cherries on this mythical cake is education; especially schooling which so rarely educates in true sense. It succeeds in creating and building newer myths more often than in breaking the old stinky ones.

Anyway, so we were talking about a quest. For understanding. Everything. This quest started from a juncture I cannot ascertain. And it has engulfed my entire being. Who am I? Why am I here? What do I do? Where do I go? Why is reality real? Why is fiction more beautiful than facts? What can I do to make it better?

Gosh! Look at the size of the questions; and I am addressing all of them, all at once. No wonder it is draining every living drop of energy from my brains and my body. And while it has brought me around to some really insightful answers, these answers themselves have created even more complicated questions and challenges.

Which answers to which questions? and what more complications? Damn this self-obsessed banter that leaves the listener in a tangled maze of riddles.

Well, this quest has brought me to truly understand and accept that:

World is an unfair place. Equality and Freedom cannot, repeat, cannot, live a happily married life. Ever. They marry only to be divorced soon. Humans love structures, orders, systems. AND they love Breaking these even more. Life is caught in duels. Paradoxes. Opposing forces everywhere. Between, for example, ‘living in the moment’ and ‘acting in favor of long-term well-being’. There is an unending list of such ‘betweens’. and so on…

But the point is different here. This unending quest is tiring, maddening and frightening at times. Yes. I wish I had never learned to question or find answers. It would have been a peaceful existence. No, I am not a pessimist, mind you. I need to learn to relax, to stop comparing between ‘what is’ and ‘what is must be’, to pause, to allow myself some imperfections and shortcomings, to forgive myself, to forgive the world and the people around. And take a bite of life sweet and sour and hot; and a swig from the bottle of ‘letting go’; and a nap on the wings of moments stolen from the stern shores of time; lying down with my face buried in the breasts of life.

Then I will rise and face. The quest, the reality, the life and the death and all the glorious questions of existence.

I believe I might…!

-Makarand

 

Chronicler of Confusion

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I am a chronicler.

I write. I scribble.

I see and I hear.

I scratch and dabble.

 

I seem them dying, more than living

I see them crying, more than laughing

I see them wasting more than they eat

I see them buying more than they need

 

Few ask questions and fewer explore

People despise – them and the lore

Priorities are almost the things of the past

Decisions are made by the dice cast

 

No one’s indigenous, everyone’s foreign

Morals drown, majorities sovereign

The rule of the thumb and the rule of the dumb

The true and the genuine wailing plumb

 

The chronicler wonders, is this new

Or has the world been always askew

Am I wording the history of Time?

Or just overwriting the fading line?

 

Among everything that I am unsure

(which is the most, let me assure)

There is but a faint sparkle of a vision

That tells me am a chronicler of confusion

© Makarand Pathak

Writing a storm

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Writing is an intensive process

As good as cutting out a piece of your soul

Seems rather gory but would you? Really?

Wouldn’t you? Really?

 

The soul, the mind, the brain

The subconscious of a ghost

Whatever that actually is,

Is a stone, a rock continuously being etched

 

The atmospherics and the moods

Push it, hit it, carve it & shape it

Inside the huge cave of the body

Unseen, untouched and unknown

 

And you need to show it, uncover it

Display it in all its glory of follies and delights

For you cannot hold it all in you

The devil of a thing, a cyclone, a thunderstorm

 

It may never be complete, for the time is limited

But it has to be shared nonetheless

So that you may live, to etch more, show more

The world needs to see as much as you need to show

 

To what measure? Don’t ask

There is no extent, no end; not one that we know of

While the carver is at work, the exhibitor can’t stop

Would you risk being a cyclone that blows itself away?

Wouldn’t you?

– Makarand

A test – a journey

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It was a test. A self-induced test. When I told my friend and my colleague to drop me at Turiya* so that I could walk all the way up to Kohka**, I wasn’t aware that this was it.

It started out as a pretty normal, ordinary evening walk. I knew the road, which was anyway straight without any turns and forks; the evening was soft, cool and quiet. Turiya was gearing up for the night with few fires lit in the front yards of the village houses. And I knew Kohka was just a few minutes’ walk from here.

As the village and the Bagheera retreat resort was left behind, the air became cooler. Subconsciously I pushed my hands in the pockets of the half sweater I was wearing. It was not of much help, as I was soon to discover. Two bikes passed and the road was once again quiet. Too quiet for a walk in the increasing darkness, in the buffer zone of a tiger reserve.

I was still in a jolly good mood. The day had been productive and I had been thinking about the plans of the next day. Through the corner of the eye, I noticed a small black figure moving towards me on the road a few meters ahead. A woman returning from the fields. She had no protection from the cold and her feet as good as bare. I always wonder at the physical endurance of the people in these areas and this woman strengthened my respect towards it again.

Once she walked past me, I was as alone as a ghost on the road. In many parts of India, people tell you tales of ghosts, apparitions and what not being seen frequently around rivers and bridges. I stepped on the first bridge over a small brook and shuddered as my eyes made out a whitish shape just beside the bridge, gliding horizontally almost above the level of the bridge. Thankfully not hesitating, I peered and looked carefully to realize it was the trunk of a fallen tree.

Up to this point my walk had been fairly benign. Now the wheels of the imagination started turning and heard-unheard stories grew wings as they circled around my head. Automatically my pace increased, eyes and ears became focused on every smallest movement and faintest sound that I could make out in the dark, silent evening.

The road that had seemed so friendly and short during our bike and car travels during the daytime suddenly became one of the longest that I had ever walked. It was dark enough to just guess the road running away into the oblivion beyond reach. There were exactly 3 small houses/ structures beside the road, save which the roadside was empty as well. Not helping the situation, there were 2 more streams and 2 bridges over them, which I crossed in anxiously baited breath. Crickets, critters and other insects provided excellent background score to the entire atmosphere, as the air grew colder and even a small yet cold breeze started caressing my cheeks. I could almost hear a witch laughing in the distance. I was hating my steps that made so much noise. I wished I could glide a few inches above the road.

It was thoughts that made me restless – was this a mistake? Should have I accepted the lift and come all the way on my workmate’s bike? What if a tiger crosses my path? What if even a leopard decides to show up for a surprise rendezvous? Are the village tales of supernatural entities true? Should I call somebody and call for a vehicle? This was very easy to do and nothing less than a comfortable Toyota Innova would have come to pick me up within 15 minutes.

But again it were thoughts that put me sane and together. This was no more than a 4 km walk, of which I had covered more than half. Though tigers had been sighted in these areas quite recently, there were houses as well as machaans, though unlit, in the farms on both the sides of the road and help could be sought if needed. Above everything, it was my imagination that was working me up beyond limits. So I settled into a normal walk again soon.

As if to prove me right, 4 bikes passed by me in close succession. However cold and darkness, if nothing else, was a bit of a trouble now. I realized almost ridiculously that I had started sweating in the last few minutes and the cool air seemed to be biting. Allowing myself a small laugh, I walked on. I had decided to keep my cellphone’s torch off as long as possible to enjoy the walk in a sufficient moonlight. But I remembered Jim Corbett. In his amazing tales of hunting the man-eating leopards and tigers, he always talks about the time between evening and night – the time before the moon rises is the darkest. Sighing, I flicked on my cellphone torch.

Within 2 minutes of switching it on, I climbed up an incline in the road to find the twinkling lights of the first house that marked the beginning of Kohka village. Smiling, I switched off the torch. The village was warming itself up beside the wood-fires lit in front of almost every other house. It was family-time; neighbors were catching up with the events of the day and cattle stood resting, moving only to ward off a fly and continue chewing on the grass. The bells around their necks sounded sweetest after the silence of the road. Thought their large, dark eyes looked at me cautiously. They knew a stranger when they saw one.

“Don’t relax yet”, I told myself, as I remembered another 200-paces-span of the road which linked the village with my temporary residence in Kohka. This was no more than a dirt road, wide enough to allow only a four wheeler to pass while the leaning grass-blades and tree-branches rubbed its sides. I remembered somebody telling me that a leopard had been visiting this path and I walked faster.

Without further incidence I reached my rooms. As soon as I entered I let out a loud laugh and eagerly started sharing with friends that I had an exciting walk on the jungle road for 3 and a half km. only I knew how long was this 40-minute journey – even within me – that sounded all fun and exciting after it was over.

Though uneventful at large, it was a period when I felt so completely alive. All my senses and my limbs had been so active throughout; and I was glad to have been able to gather myself up at the right moment. It was a small victory, yet it was a victory nonetheless. A victory over fear. In times when fear is rampant, is sold free and embraced willingly, this victory does matter to me.

Makarand

11.1/ 12.1.18

Pench

* Turiya – a village in Pench tiger reserve, India

**Kohka – another village in Pench tiger reserve, India

Catharsis

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Wish I could cry

Uninhibited

Like I used to,

When I was a bit younger

 

What is this

Conditioning

That has dried up

My share of tears

 

The draught seeps

Within, slowly

From without

Just as water does

 

Parched is the throat

So is the music

In the veins and nerves

Of desolate lands

 

Empty shells getting

Buried on the seashore

After the waves

Simply refused to return

 

Why is the calling

So faint and so faraway

Why are the ravens

So loud and so close?

 

Why does the light

Flicker and waver so

Much when the darkness

Is so omnipresent?

 

Why are there more

Question-marks

Than commas and colons

On the page tired of waiting?

 

Wish I could clean this

Greasy oily vessel

And light the embers

Clearing off the ashes

 

The nausea, of finding

The same alleys in the maze

After a constant fruitless

Race, is heavy and sickening

 

While I decide to ‘unbelieve’

The faith in the miracles

I wait in the false hope

Of a miracle happening

 

My own claws scratch and tear

My flesh, my face, my chest

While fighting the fear that

It may not pain at all

 

Restless beasts

Growl and roar

Fight and wound

In a devilish fight

 

When I wonder if

All this could just be

A dream, and then realize

I haven’t slept for ages

 

The faucet of hope

Leaks away as the

Ruthless hyenas and vultures

Smile through cunning rows of teeth

 

Light your soul again

I tell myself, shine

With all your glory &

Let there be peace

 

The next moment I argue

Peace is here, now

Wondering if this calm

Is an accomplishment, or surrender?

29.03.2018; 20.20

Makarand